Self-referential posts off-limits, declare Beet editors

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After toasting a successful month online, editors of Montana’s worst news source used the publication’s first mensiversary as an opportunity to take stock and plan for the future.

“I don’t think we should be self-referential until we really piss someone off, and then we could use a headline like, ‘Montana satirists scurry into hiding over harsh criticism,'” said one meeting attendee.

“Yeah, we have a ton of headlines in the can. There’s no reason to resort to writing about ourselves,” said the same person, pretending to be a second speaker.

However, the prospect of receiving any form of attention overwhelmed the Beet conference room, where resolve quickly disintegrated into lame ideas for pandering headlines.

“Writer sticks with something for more than nine days,” one writer suggested, “That’s funny, right?”

“I prefer ‘Underground rag gets boner over 180 lousy facebook likes,'” the same writer answered, pretending to be a second writer.

 

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Man mistaken for non-Montanan

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A native of Harlowton was mistakenly identified as a non-local Monday night because he wasn’t wearing a 406 T-shirt.

Patrons of the Livingston bar where the incident occurred were further confused when the man’s female companion, who entered the establishment wearing a plain white top and Cruel brand jeans, was without a “Montana-Shape Love” shirt or even a Montana-shaped necklace with a gemstone heart on the location of her city.

“Where are they from?” questioned a three-year resident of Bozeman whose state affiliation was clearly emblazoned on his cap.

“It was pretty hard to tell if these people really ‘got’ the Montana lifestyle by the way they dressed,” remarked the bar owner.

“If it hadn’t been for his elk license and her high school barrel racing champion belt buckle, we’d have had to assume they were from Minnesota or something.”

It was discovered on further investigation that the couple also failed to display a “Get Lost” sticker on the back window of their truck.

 

Police plan facility as surprise for city

A rendering of the proposed surprise construction project

A rendering of the proposed surprise construction project

In the wake of a recent mill levy rejection, one Montana police department is working on a hush-hush plan to build a new justice center as a surprise for their city commission.

“We were thinking we’d just build it ourselves with some funds, and spring the whole thing on the city commission sometime next year,” said a source.

“They seemed to like our new Pigduck amphibious rescue vehicle well enough once they got used to the idea,” he continued, producing an energetically rendered drawing of the proposed site and pointing out that the gun turrets and razor wire were his own additions.

Improvements envisioned for the secretly planned structure could help prevent criminals from wandering out the front door, said one of the designers, “and it would be nice for the officers to have an indoor bathroom,” she added.

One staffer, conducting paperwork on a desk constructed from cardboard file boxes, blood-soaked carpet remnants and bags of weed, concurred that the need for a larger and better-equipped facility was real.

If the department finds funding, their hope is to reveal the completed facility to city commissioners in a surprise party accompanied by balloons, cake and a bouncy castle.