Boner threat inspires stricter legislative dress code


In spite of public outrage, some feel that the Montana Legislature’s new Victorian era dress code isn’t strict enough.

“We can’t have our lady legislators sashaying around all tarted up like Jeannette Rankin,” said a modesty code advocate, “or it might get our ‘family values’ in a bunch, if you know what I mean.

“Some of these freshmen haven’t been to town much, and their only exposure to the feminine mystique has been sneaking peeks at reruns of Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman.

“Seeing a lady’s neck, all uncovered, first thing when they get to the big city is just asking for trouble,” he concluded.

Another proponent of a stricter legislative modesty code explained that it wasn’t intended to be discriminatory to women, just to alert female lawmakers to sinful thoughts that they could cause by carelessly drawing attention to their baby-making parts — and to guide them to wise decisions about how to dress, think and act.

“We’re pleased to welcome the wives and mothers of Montana to the legislative floor, but we certainly don’t want them causing any tent-pole action,” he said.

He added that the new code seemed professional to him, and that it wasn’t as strict as some.

“For example, there’s nothing in there about a legislative menstrual hut.”


Zappa’s “Montana” becomes new state song

A companion bill to change the Oro y Plata insignia to an image of Zappa flossing his teeth was less successful.

A companion measure to change the Oro y Plata seal to an image of Zappa flossing his teeth was defeated in a close vote.


Cohan & Howard’s “Montana” no longer official State Song —

In response to the average Montanan’s total ignorance of their official state song, lawmakers passed a bill to make “Montana,” the Frank Zappa song of the same title, the new state song.

“Nobody ever heard the one that says ‘Tell me of the Treasure State’,” declared a high ranking legislator, who asked to be identified, but was refused.

“But the people here are proud of our pygmy ponies and dental floss crops, which we harvest with zircon encrusted tweezers. It’s time we had a state song that reflects our true heritage and values, even if it did only get to #32 on the Billboard charts.”

When consulted via Ouija board, Zappa himself remarked, “It’s always a miracle when any government activity results in something that isn’t inherently dangerous to the general populace.

“The children of the state of Montana should be given the opportunity to sing something that includes passages in 10/8 time, and to learn the value of apiculture (the art of beekeeping – Ed.), and of drinking coffee. I should add that Ouija boards are a total waste of time, and there’s no way you can know that this is even really me.

“Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to get back to composing things that would be impossible to play on Earth.”

Legislators expressed hope that their counterparts in Arizona will not follow suit.

–Juan Bozeman, Field Correspondent

Gay marriage disappointing, notes asshole

MTgaymarriageWhile Montana families across the state were celebrating the newly reinstated right of same-sex couples to marry, one man took the opportunity to rain on the human rights parade by expressing his resentment.

From a homemade pulpit not far from the Treasure State, the individual raised his tiny pink fist in righteous indignation.

“I weespect that God’s weewy big pwan made abbewations from humanity,” he explained, “But we need pwenty of waws against them being happy.”

At the time of publication the higher being was unavailable for comment.


Masked liberal declares election results shitty

This liberal spoke under condition of anonymity

This earthtone-clad liberal (referring to herself as a conservative Democrat) spoke under condition of anonymity

Speaking under condition of anonymity, a Montana Democrat addressed an audience of her boyfriend and a cat this morning, declaring the results of the midterm election to be “shitty.”

The 50-year-old 4th generation Montanan insisted on a second cup of espresso while expounding on her opinion that it sucks to know 57.91% of voters in her home state would rather see a pig-faced, richy-rich, Mother Nature raping corporate lapdog represent them in the U.S. Senate than to elect an intelligent Montana woman who is passionate about science, education and smart, sustainable decision-making.

“Don’t even get me started about that guy’s wacko creationist backers” said the liberal, who was clearly not wearing a brassiere under her disguise.

“It’s going to take a hell of a lot of leftover Halloween candy to put me in a good mood again,” the speaker continued, exposing her liberal arts education by using the correct spelling of the contraction “it is.”

From her nest in a mound of cast-off Twizzlers wrappers, the Democrat conceded that the defeat of LR 126, (the Republican-backed referendum that would have prevented stoners and slacker college students from registering and voting on election day) was something of a victory, but overall, she felt pretty crappy.

“And these Chewy Lemonheads are nothing but F***ing JELLY BEANS!”