Boner threat inspires stricter legislative dress code

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In spite of public outrage, some feel that the Montana Legislature’s new Victorian era dress code isn’t strict enough.

“We can’t have our lady legislators sashaying around all tarted up like Jeannette Rankin,” said a modesty code advocate, “or it might get our ‘family values’ in a bunch, if you know what I mean.

“Some of these freshmen haven’t been to town much, and their only exposure to the feminine mystique has been sneaking peeks at reruns of Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman.

“Seeing a lady’s neck, all uncovered, first thing when they get to the big city is just asking for trouble,” he concluded.

Another proponent of a stricter legislative modesty code explained that it wasn’t intended to be discriminatory to women, just to alert female lawmakers to sinful thoughts that they could cause by carelessly drawing attention to their baby-making parts — and to guide them to wise decisions about how to dress, think and act.

“We’re pleased to welcome the wives and mothers of Montana to the legislative floor, but we certainly don’t want them causing any tent-pole action,” he said.

He added that the new code seemed professional to him, and that it wasn’t as strict as some.

“For example, there’s nothing in there about a legislative menstrual hut.”

Self-referential posts off-limits, declare Beet editors

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After toasting a successful month online, editors of Montana’s worst news source used the publication’s first mensiversary as an opportunity to take stock and plan for the future.

“I don’t think we should be self-referential until we really piss someone off, and then we could use a headline like, ‘Montana satirists scurry into hiding over harsh criticism,'” said one meeting attendee.

“Yeah, we have a ton of headlines in the can. There’s no reason to resort to writing about ourselves,” said the same person, pretending to be a second speaker.

However, the prospect of receiving any form of attention overwhelmed the Beet conference room, where resolve quickly disintegrated into lame ideas for pandering headlines.

“Writer sticks with something for more than nine days,” one writer suggested, “That’s funny, right?”

“I prefer ‘Underground rag gets boner over 180 lousy facebook likes,'” the same writer answered, pretending to be a second writer.

 

Zappa’s “Montana” becomes new state song

A companion bill to change the Oro y Plata insignia to an image of Zappa flossing his teeth was less successful.

A companion measure to change the Oro y Plata seal to an image of Zappa flossing his teeth was defeated in a close vote.

 

Cohan & Howard’s “Montana” no longer official State Song —

In response to the average Montanan’s total ignorance of their official state song, lawmakers passed a bill to make “Montana,” the Frank Zappa song of the same title, the new state song.

“Nobody ever heard the one that says ‘Tell me of the Treasure State’,” declared a high ranking legislator, who asked to be identified, but was refused.

“But the people here are proud of our pygmy ponies and dental floss crops, which we harvest with zircon encrusted tweezers. It’s time we had a state song that reflects our true heritage and values, even if it did only get to #32 on the Billboard charts.”

When consulted via Ouija board, Zappa himself remarked, “It’s always a miracle when any government activity results in something that isn’t inherently dangerous to the general populace.

“The children of the state of Montana should be given the opportunity to sing something that includes passages in 10/8 time, and to learn the value of apiculture (the art of beekeeping – Ed.), and of drinking coffee. I should add that Ouija boards are a total waste of time, and there’s no way you can know that this is even really me.

“Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to get back to composing things that would be impossible to play on Earth.”

Legislators expressed hope that their counterparts in Arizona will not follow suit.

–Juan Bozeman, Field Correspondent

Panel sets Montana guidelines for snow pics

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SPECIAL REPORT

After pinpointing Montana as the source of a glut of unnecessary snow photos that choked social media feeds and slowed download speeds, social media services approached state leaders in November to request that emergency measures be taken.

On Monday, a panel representing Montana’s small business, manufacturing, communications and agricultural communities convened to examine the problem and develop guidelines that may help to streamline snow photo postings.

“This didn’t used to be much of a problem,” a representative of the ranching community commented during a break from the intense and sometimes heated discussion, “Folks used to be too busy shoveling their way to the cow shed to take any pictures.”

By cross-referencing weather data and internet use reports, experts discovered that the majority of the posts were originating from newcomers to the state, which was no surprise.

“It’s understandable that new Montana residents want to prove their badass prowess to out of state friends by posting frequent photos of snow,” explained one panel participant, “and since they have no frame of reference for what is actually photo-worthy, they post every damn flake they see.”

The problem is compounded by positive reinforcement, he theorized: “It’s not unlike when a newly potty trained child wants to exhibit the proof of their new skill to passers by. Nobody really wants to see it, but we express polite approval because they are so excited about it.”

“However, that kind of reinforcement isn’t productive when it comes to snow posts,” he added. “If they get 15 likes on that picture of four snowflakes on their windshield, it’s just going to encourage them, and that’s the kind of cycle that we want to avoid.”

The panelists agreed that there are some conditions under which photos of snow may be interesting or relevant, such as in cases where there is really a lot of snow, or when a cute pet or unique snowman is pictured. Their goal was not to banish all snow photos, but to come up with an equitable way of limiting snow posts and discouraging mass hysteria on Facebook every time we get a spit of precipitation.

Taking into consideration the right of all members of society to express themselves, the panel wrote a 200-page report and a list of recommendations including the following list of preferred, tolerated and discouraged snow posts:

Preferred (48″ or more)

  • Photos of lumps where your car, house or patio furniture once were
  • Photos of the tunnel to your chicken house
  • Photos of your 90-year-old mother attempting to shovel out her car

Tolerated (18″ or more)

  • Photos of your adorable dog with snow on his nose
  • Photos of your child in the midst of a non-life-threatening sledding accident
  • Photos of anatomically correct or otherwise amusing snowmen
  • Photos of your dead garden (May-Aug. only)
  • Schadenfreude-inspired photos of snow on your neighbor’s bike, hammock or open convertible (May-Aug.)

Discouraged

  • Any post with less than 18″ of snow and/or a caption including “Snow!” “Montana!” or “:)”
  • Unattractive pets or children, regardless of snow depth

A dispensation in the guidelines was made for ski bums, who are widely known to have little control over their social media actions and other bodily functions.

A special ban was placed on efforts by news providers to stir up social engagement with lame posts like “Let’s see the snow in your area.”

Bozeman woman makes dinner

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In spite of declaring feelings of accomplishment over a successful semi-annual effort, a Bozeman woman admitted to feeling slightly guilty Wednesday when her spouse collapsed into tears of gratitude over the fact that she had made dinner.

“It’s just soup,” she replied in response to his apparently non-ironic query: “Are you real, or are you an angel?”

“I do make peanut butter toast occasionally, but I try not to raise his expectations by cooking too often,” she mused, while nonchalantly prying his reverent grip from the sleeve of her sweatshirt.

“Obviously, making dinner twice in the same week was a bit too much, too fast,” she concluded, using a dinner napkin to shield herself from his disconcertingly worshipful gaze.

She followed this statement with the request that friends and family respect their privacy until things were back to normal.

“I think he just needs some time to pull himself together,” she explained.

“He’s gonna be okay.”

Sports haters up their game during Cat-Griz weekend

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The historic rivalry between the Montana State Bobcats and the U of M Grizzlies isn’t just about rooting for your home team. For sports-haters across the state, it also means heightened creative challenge.

“All this excitement over a stupid game inspires me to new levels of malicious fantasy,” a retired Bozeman English teacher confessed.

“Usually I just wish for the home team to lose, but during Cat-Griz weekend I tend to hope for misfortunes that would spoil the fun for both sides, such as a stadium-wide attack of food poisoning, or maybe a head lice infestation.”

When asked about their Cat-Griz plans, an elderly Belgrade couple told reporters that they, too, would be upping their sports-hating game.

“Just wishing for subzero temperatures isn’t very satisfying,” the husband explained, “when those meat-heads in the stadium just get wasted and post grinning Facebook selfies with captions like, ‘Gotta love Montana football!’ or ‘We must be F-ing CRAZY! :)'”

“So we try to concentrate our energy on hoping for something undeniably fun-sucking,” his wife added.

Looking up from her crochet work, she smiled beatifically: “This year, I’m wishing for a volcano.”

Gay marriage disappointing, notes asshole

MTgaymarriageWhile Montana families across the state were celebrating the newly reinstated right of same-sex couples to marry, one man took the opportunity to rain on the human rights parade by expressing his resentment.

From a homemade pulpit not far from the Treasure State, the individual raised his tiny pink fist in righteous indignation.

“I weespect that God’s weewy big pwan made abbewations from humanity,” he explained, “But we need pwenty of waws against them being happy.”

At the time of publication the higher being was unavailable for comment.

 

Man mistaken for non-Montanan

Tshirt71361200 copyright clipart.com

A native of Harlowton was mistakenly identified as a non-local Monday night because he wasn’t wearing a 406 T-shirt.

Patrons of the Livingston bar where the incident occurred were further confused when the man’s female companion, who entered the establishment wearing a plain white top and Cruel brand jeans, was without a “Montana-Shape Love” shirt or even a Montana-shaped necklace with a gemstone heart on the location of her city.

“Where are they from?” questioned a three-year resident of Bozeman whose state affiliation was clearly emblazoned on his cap.

“It was pretty hard to tell if these people really ‘got’ the Montana lifestyle by the way they dressed,” remarked the bar owner.

“If it hadn’t been for his elk license and her high school barrel racing champion belt buckle, we’d have had to assume they were from Minnesota or something.”

It was discovered on further investigation that the couple also failed to display a “Get Lost” sticker on the back window of their truck.

 

U staffer confesses glee over end of Year of Connected Leadership

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An adjunct professor at one of Montana’s most prestigious institutions of higher learning recently admitted to feeling secretly happy when the school’s “Year of Connected Leadership” came to an end.

“I’m fine with leadership,” explained the adjunct. “In fact, the 12 sections of my Freshman level course and my 400 advisees provide me with splendid opportunities to lead, but at times I find it a bit difficult to really connect.”

The staffer recalled that he had been giddy with anticipation to take part in the 2013-14 school year’s monthly goals of commitment to personal growth, listening, empathy, awareness, healing, foresight, conceptualization, stewardship, persuasion, time management, community building and martyrdom.

But he also noted that by May, he had only been able to actualize “The Year of Eating a Lot of Crackers.”

“I empathed until my empathizer was worn to a nub,” he said, “and if I hear another word about stewardship, I’ll blow chunks.”

“However, I did like the distinguished speakers series,” he added, “Some of them were really hot.”

Although he was not specifically asked for his input on a 2014-15 slogan, he was eager to share his vision for “The Year of Sending Out Resumes.”

Police plan facility as surprise for city

A rendering of the proposed surprise construction project

A rendering of the proposed surprise construction project

In the wake of a recent mill levy rejection, one Montana police department is working on a hush-hush plan to build a new justice center as a surprise for their city commission.

“We were thinking we’d just build it ourselves with some funds, and spring the whole thing on the city commission sometime next year,” said a source.

“They seemed to like our new Pigduck amphibious rescue vehicle well enough once they got used to the idea,” he continued, producing an energetically rendered drawing of the proposed site and pointing out that the gun turrets and razor wire were his own additions.

Improvements envisioned for the secretly planned structure could help prevent criminals from wandering out the front door, said one of the designers, “and it would be nice for the officers to have an indoor bathroom,” she added.

One staffer, conducting paperwork on a desk constructed from cardboard file boxes, blood-soaked carpet remnants and bags of weed, concurred that the need for a larger and better-equipped facility was real.

If the department finds funding, their hope is to reveal the completed facility to city commissioners in a surprise party accompanied by balloons, cake and a bouncy castle.